My friends have always tried to set me up with any man they know. Notice how I didn't specify "unmarried man?" I didn't because that has inexplicably stopped disqualifying men. Somewhere around my 40th birthday my friends decided being a mistress was just fine and dandy as long as I wasn't sleeping with any of their husbands. Let us revel in the arrogance that says, "Well I would never be side piece. But you're different. Maybe that would be enough for you." Let me take you through a tour of some of the worst blind dates, fix-ups, and set ups.
* The Non-Eater was presented to me as, "He's the best guy I know. Cute, funny, super smart, like the best, like totally the best." No one is the best. No lab has created an Anderson Cooper/Ryan Gosling/Lenny Kravitz. So I of course asked what's wrong with him. Why is he single?" (Sidenote: 'Just never met the right person' isn't an excuse. By the time you're 40+ if you haven't met the right person, you should be with the wrong person by then. There is something keeping us spinsters and bachelors on the market. It may not be a negative but there's something) My friend after a long pause and several sighs said "He has an eating thing." And then tried to distract me by pointing out the lighting. I am not a baby. I see shiny things all the time. I was not diverted. Finally she explained in a roundabout way that he has health problems and he doesn't eat food. He is fed through a tube. This didn't seem so bad. We all have problems. But then it dawned on me to ask what he does on dates. If he doesn't eat food, drink coffee, or consume alcohol, then what does he do? And she explained that we would go out to dinner and he would just watch me eat while he sipped water. Now, I am a woman of the world. I will not pretend that I have never let a guy watch me eat as foreplay. (Feeders. Google it) But this felt different and I was leery. But nevertheless I went out with him. And it turns out he is a Scientologist. Game over. Thanks for playing.
* The Doll Collector was introduced to me by a friend's wife. I received the usual spiel about him being an undiscovered treasure and that she would lead me to him. We met for coffee and for 37 blissfully ignorant minutes I thought, "There might be something here." That is until I received a text from my buddy. And at the end of my reply I told him to thank his wife for the set-up. Then he called me. Only my mother calls me for something other than an emergency. I was curious but I let it go to voicemail. And I forced myself to wait 10 minutes before sneaking off to listen to the message. "ASK HIM ABOUT THE DOLLS! THERE ARE DOLLS! HE HAS DOLLS! DOLLLLLLLSSSSSS!!!!" I texted back for clarification but my friend didn't get back to me and I didn't want to stay gone so long he thought I'd ditched him or been pooping. So I went back. And after a few minutes brought up dolls. Easy enough. I have one. And I liked Barbie as a little girl. So...ummm...yeah. This fool's mama didn't teach him what shame is for. He showed me pictures on his phone of his favorite dolls. I have no poker face. He knows I think he's insane. I don't care. I hope he learns something about the nature of the slow rollout of one's crazy.
* The Pediatrician looked like a young Michael J. Fox. And I was surprised by the lustful responses I got when I described him that way. Does everyone find MJF sexy? It isn't just me??!?!?! I didn't see that coming. I met the Pediatritrian at my friend's BBQ. He is by all accounts a terrible doctor and she only takes her children to him because he was her husband's college roommate. For months and months we kept missing each other. But we'd keep the number in our phones on the assumption that our schedules would match up. On one notable occassion he texted me late at night and asked if he could come over and I told him "Ah Man. I just took a bath, and I put the special lotion on my feet, and I'm wearing fuzzy socks. Sex sounds like the worst idea I've ever heard in my life. Raincheck?" Another time we actually scheduled a date and he had to cancel because my friend's kid was sick and she was exercising her priviledge as a family friend to get him to make a house call. And yes, she is a selfish person. She has three children but I only had one chance to make out with a cute doctor.
Finally we make a date, we keep the date, we're on the date when he starts a conversation with "My wife loves..." If my life were a movie that's when you'd hear the record needle scratching sound. The restaurant would've gone quiet and the camera would've done a close up of my face as it transitioned from confusion to comprehension to aggravation. I confirmed he had a wife. He explained that he thought I knew he was married since he thought my friend knew he was married, and that I'd been open to having an affair. I politely declined the descent into moral degradation. And when the check came I offered to split it. And he said, "Nah. It's cool. I've got it. I kind of implied you're an amoral whore. I should probably buy you some sushi." I barely made it through my front door before I was furiously texting my friend who's only reply was "Oh. That marriage isn't going to last." That was her reasoning. She is a lunatic.
I am not trying to date anyone's husband. Okay. That isn't strictly true. There is one married guy I have my eye on. I'm waiting for his marriage to fail. But I am doing nothing to hasten it's demise. And I am not currently sleeping with him. I'm just the vulture waiting to pick the last bits of dead decaying flesh off the carcass of their love. I'm not the monster. People who fix up their unknowing friends with married guys are the monsters.
* The Holocaust Denier is a man I refused all dates with. Because he denies the holocaust. He is either delusional or a bigot. I don't need that in my life. So no matter how many times my friend brought it up I always said "NO." She listed his pros: Owns a houseboat; volunteers with children; great cook; excellent hiker; well-read; smells awesome; perfect teeth. But I would always say "CON! He denies the holocaust happened." And then by sheer happenstance I met him. And he is amazing. He is as advertised. Total out of my league but he seemed to be into me. I'm ashamed to admit I started thinking dumb thoughts like "Lots of people think the holocaust never happened/It's not like you guys would go to Germany on vacation. So how often will it even come up/Maybe you can educate him. He's obviously intelligent. He must have learned this shit from his grandpa or someone." And then for the first time in first date history The Holocaust came up in conversation. And he denied it happened. And I called him a Nazi. And he in an uncomfortably calm voice said that calling someone a Nazi when they don't believe in their central act of purported evil is a limp insult. Moreover, he was right. And it was 2% sexy that he was right. But I still put up my hands and backed away and ended the conversation with "Whatever man. You're wrong. And you're ridiculous."
I will not pretend that the majority of my blind dates aren't boring and nice men. If I have to hear one more story about a video games, BBQ, cars, or fantasy football I am going to turn into a werewolf right there at the table. All those bland coffee dates make me crave the bad ones. I have a date this weekend. I am torn between wanting him to be awesome and wanting him to be a good story.