Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Too Much Talky.

I would like to present an unabridged transcript of a conversation I had with a woman regarding my childlessness. I present it without comment because I'm sure you can extrapolate.

Woman: Why don't you have any children?
Spinster: I do.
Woman: Oh my god! Everyone said you didn't. How many do you have?
Spinster: Four. Two sets of fraternal twins. Cathy and Chris are 15 and Cory and Carrie are 6.
Woman: That fabulous. Are you married?
Spinster: I was. He died six months ago. I've been living with my parents. My father never approved of my marriage so he doesn't want anything to do with the children so they spend all their time in another wing of the house. But they have a wonderful attic playroom to enjoy. And their grandmother makes sure they have everything they need. I haven't been spending as much time with them as I should because I recently met a man and I've been trying to get back on my father's good side. Last time I visited them they all looked a little pale and I think Chris and Cathy maybe are becoming a little too close if you know what I mean.
Woman: Wait. What? Umm...Isn't that the plot of Flowers in the Attic?
Spinster: I doubt that. I've never heard of this Attic, flowers, flowers of an attic? What is it?
Woman: It's a movie and a book.
Spinster: If it resembles my life my life so much I should read it.
Woman: You've never read it?
Spinster: Nope.
Woman: Really?!?!?!? Because you're describing it. Like exactly. The names are even the same.
Spinster: No.
Woman: Okay.

(Ten minutes later)

Woman: Missy says you've never been married. She said you're just fucking with me.
Spinster: Of course I am. But I figured if you could be a nosy bitch, I could be a liar. Why would you ask me such a person question?!?!?!? It's none of your fucking business. The only reason anyone asks that is so they can be judgemental or superior or talk about their own kids.
Woman: I guess
Spinsters: And besides that. What if it was a sensitive subject? What if I'd had a half dozen miscarriages. Or I was infertile and cried myself to sleep at night? Or I'm currently pregnant but I don't want to talk about it? Mind your own business!
Woman: God! You don't have to bite my head off.
Spinster: Ask me about kids again and I'll reach into your chest and play keep away with your still beating heart.(long awkward pause) Hey you want to go get donuts?
Woman: (sheepishly) Yeah. I want to go get donuts.